I have wanted to write this post for a while, but I never seem to be in the right mind-set until today. I have been thinking about my own BPD with the pandemic lockdowns and how I have been feeling, as well as many other people with BPD that I am happily friends with on Facebook. I won’t be going into all the signs and symptoms of having BPD here, more my own feelings during the lockdown many others I know with BPD…
While I was a little scared at what the future held at the start of the lockdown I have to say that feeling didn’t last long and I have to wonder if I have my own BPD to be thankful for that happening. You see, with such fast-moving emotions most associated with BPD if I/people around me don’t like the mood/personality I am currently in you only have to wait a short while as it will soon change. Then, as things started to be relaxed I felt a little secure about everything, especially my own mind-set.
Sadly things started to get a little worst at the end of 2020 with the pandemic and things started to get locked down again, but at first, I was OK with that. After all, having BPD means I am not the most sociable of creatures. But as time went on my mental health started to suffer more and more, I felt more and more trapped even when I could go outside whenever I wanted and as I said, I wasn’t a social butterfly even before the lockdown!
Then at Christmas and into the new year I really didn’t have control. Crying all the time over seemingly nothing and even self-harming far more than I usually do. But when I tried to reach out for professional help there was nothing, the doctor wouldn’t help me, the mental health team wouldn’t help, I felt so alone and contained, I felt like a wild animal about to freak out or a balloon about to pop.
The good news is thanks to years of CBT therapy I was able to turn that anger outwards in the end, to be angry at the system, rather than myself and that is the point that I started to reach out to others, to start asking them how they were doing and suddenly I knew I wasn’t alone and that really did make me feel a whole lot better. While it doesn’t trigger my BPD I have been thinking about the lack of help out there and feeling a little sad for people with BPD who won’t reach out and don’t have the support network I have. That was why I made this site in the first place, to offer a safe-haven for BPD sufferers, to be able to talk and know you are not alone.
The good news is this site is growing nicely with several writers filling its pages, all of us with vast personal knowledge of BPD. While this site doesn’t offer the level of help I want it to one day I am happy that it exists. Unless you have BPD you really can’t know how dark times can be for us and how hard it can be simply to get control of our own minds. Just know that this site is always here for you and that contact page is a helping hand just waiting to reach out and support you in any way we can.